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What Birds always stick together? Velcrows 
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
My wife said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I don't understand women.
Hi, I'm Tom Bodet for Motel 6. We'll leave the LYSOL.
If women were labeled "heroes" instead of "sluts" for sleeping around too much, us guys would be having a lot more sex. Someone messed up here...
5 out of 3 people struggle with Maths.
I just farted real loud, and my car alarm went off.... Some guy is stealing my car but I wanted you guys to know about my fart.. Be right back.
If you win the $1.3 billion powerball, remember the little people. No seriously, remember the midgets, they probably couldn't reach the counter to order tickets
Cruz had 5 mistresses? Were they alive?
Well, well, well...look who's crawling back, asking me to repair the axle on their wheelchair.
I like clothing that has little hidden pockets. It's like they made it knowing I was going to put my weed in there.
BREAKING: DNA evidence clears curiosity, cat murderer still at large.
All I wanted for Xmas was for the pirate bay website to come back. Is that too much to ask?
You have just begun reading the sentence you have just finished reading.
[WIFE] I'm going to fold your laundry so hard. [ME] You think you can handle one more load? - Laundry Sext
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better... or worse?... How about now?,,, Better... or worse?
The women's USA Olympic hockey team pucked up.
I bet at least half the guys who get struck by lightning's last thoughts were, "Holy Crap, am I a Highlander?"
The president announced his bracket for the NCAA tournament. March Madness and Obama is predicting Michigan State will beat Louisville to win the national championship. Going by Obama's past predictions, I want to congratulate Louisville on their big wi
Note to self: Don't photobomb someone getting a mammogram 