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Stopped by the apple store to see if they have a better phone than the Samsung Galaxy S3......ilaughed 
looking forward to the big debate tonight. My wife and I will debate the pros and cons of me getting oral sex.
Methinks someone in Washington has discovered that "Hope and Change" is a lot easier to say than it is to deliver .
I will say, Have a fun and safe 4th. But I refuse to celebrate our Independence! Our fore fathers are turning over in their graves. Instead of gaining freedom we have lost and continue to lose freedoms every day.
46 got lost in the Oval Office for the third time this week; thought he was in his basement and pee'd on the drapes again.
BREAKING NEWS: Ben Affleck is cast as the next Batman, while Bradley ("Chelsea") Manning may appear in the next eX-man movie.
my wife's pissed because she walked in while I was masterbating in the shower. OK, it was a baby shower, but still...
Three favorite days of a boat owner: 1) The day he buys his boat 2) The day he sells his boat 3) The day a bomber is cornered in his boat.
Here`s a bit of advice : advi
My girl told me she was miserable in our relationship. She said she lost 10 lbs. I asked her if it was over and she said, "Not yet, I want to lose 15."
got arrested last night...apparently pushing a hot wheel down the highway at 3 a.m. is frowned upon
Now that I am older... I wear bell bottom pants so I can flash the guys a little easier!
A tongue may have no bones, but it can break hearts
If I were a Miss USA contestant, my go-to answer in the Q&A segment would be "Who cares? Did you see my rack and smile combo?"
There's not many things more awkward than telling a guy with a rebel flag t-shirt you're from Gettysburg, Pa
When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say "Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh?
"I enjoy short walks to the fridge" - Fat people personal ads
Sarah Palin wants to trade Mark her name. What the hell's Mark gonna do with it??
How come we can't say the word n*gro in a song but can have a group called Uncle Kracker?
My least favorite part of Sunday mornings is being hungover when you have to find a place to hide the body. 