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My friend that works in the ER text. "there's a hottie in here with a shampoo bottle stuck in her V@gina." Me "ask her if she's on Twitter." 
Friend: Whatcha eating? Me: alphabet soup. Friend: looks like spaghetti to me. Me: It's in Arabic
Awesome, if you tune in to the NFL Network right now they're showing how Madonna gets hoisted from her formaldehyde jar.
Real Madrid Just Launched A New Bra today .. It has Alot of Support But still No Cup...
for those who never worked at a restaurant before, walking in 5 minutes before closings automatically entitles you to "special sauce" on whatever you order...
so, when two dudes marry, do they both stop giving BJ's??
Having heard that Steve Jobs is in hospital with only his iPad to comfort him, I've decided to release the cure for pancreatic cancer into the public domain. But only in Flash.
Sh!t it's raining, f*ck it's lightning, dammit thunder, just cussing up a storm over here..
for every husband who says that his wife cannot take a joke, he should remember that she took him...
Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
knows God is no mechanic, but he gives great repairs!
Every time I find the key for success someone goes and change all the locks
sarcastic comment loading... ████████████ 95% ... wait for it... wait for it..
I was walking through the cemetery the other day, and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning." he said, "No, just taking a sh*t"...
What are the chances that someone on that missing plane has a volleyball?
Why has Skittles taken over everyones Facebook profile pictures???
Kim Kardashian's daughter must be wishing she was on that missing malaysian plane
All this negativity in the world and I still remain Positive! -Magic Johnson
People on the Left are like an old TV Set. They have to be slapped occasionally to get the picture.
90% of women don’t like men in pink shirts. Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don’t like women. 