Funny Status Messages

   Singing to a song you don't really know...but that 15 second part you do know is coming, and you're gonna own that ish!

   In a perfect world, we would get paid by the amount of hours we sleep; and a bonus check for every time we have sex.

   If I were a bathroom tile salesman, my pitch would be "Think of how great this will look in the background of your social networking pics."

   There's a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the "close this ad" button.

   When the government fears the people, it's called Liberty. When the people fear the government, it's called Tyranny.

   The people who need firecracker safety tips aren't the people who read firecracker safety tips.

   As far as I can tell, the only thing ghosts do is set up obstacle courses when I have to get up in the middle of the night to pee

   How many exercise/workout videos does a person have to buy before seeing results?

   I hate it when I tell someone I'll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway.

   Skinny Jeans: For guys who took "I got in her pants" the wrong way...

   Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"

   Tom Steyer just donated 25 million to the, "Let's Get REALLY Dumb Foundation"

   Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?

   My wife was watching a cooking show and I said ''Why are you watching that! You don't know how to cook!''..............She said ''Well you watch porn!!!!!!!!''

   Can we name the next hurricane Shaniqua or something? I feel like if we give hurricanes ghetto names, people will be more inclined to get away from them. Hurricane Irene sounds friendly. Hurricane Shaniqua will rip out your weave if you look at it wrong.

   Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer? Max Factor should make condoms.

   I think I'm gonna take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower but with me in it.

   That  moment when the woman you're dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, then you realise she just lost an earring... and that no one else in Starbucks can hear your iPod.

   In the Beginning, God made the Heaven and Earth. The rest was Made in China.

   What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?