Funny Status Messages

   If drinking destroys your memories...what does drinking do?

   Nobody gets treated worse than a fast food worker who gets an order wrong.

   Remember when MTV used to play music?

   Have you ever noticed how some people just won't stop texting even after you shoot them the one word answers repeatedly?

   The wedding card selection at this store blows. Lots of "Congrats" and "Best wishes" but no "I still question your sexuality" anywhere.

   thinks Charlie Sheen should change the name of his TV show to "2 1/2 Grams & A Hooker"

   ladies, what's with the puckered lips in your pics?? it doens't make you look any hotter..

   Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is: ‘What is never the answer?

   Alright, Captain Morgan, I'll make you a deal....I'll stop drinking when you put your foot down.

   Penny for your thoughts... a dollar if you flash me.

   To all of you who keep calling me Fat, Just Piss off, Iv got Enough on my Plate..

   Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.

   Schizophrenic...and So am I

   "I thought I was swerving to avoid hitting a baby deer today, but it turned out to be a smart car with those stupid antlers on it!"

   The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I'm above average at something!!

   My therapist says I'm paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.

   if I was a cab driver I'd yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger

   Math question: There are 36 Oreos in a 14.3oz package. If Mike eats 3 of those cookies, how many minutes before he's like screw it and eats the rest?

   My neighbor put the box his new fridge came in on the curb this morning for recycling pickup. Guess who has a new fort.

   I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems