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Nothing says "I would rather be with someone else" quite like cheating. 
Pop corn isn’t meant to be eaten grain by grain. Stick your hand in the box, take a handful and shove it onto your face. Live a little.
How can I lose weight if the best part of my day is based on food?
Being 100% Italian affords me the luxury of possessing the knowledge to stay away from Italian women.
Truthful Tuesday: Deep down,, I don't believe that paper beats rock.
Did anyone tell the Broncos what time the game started?
My coffee mug can hold it's liquor better than yours.
You ever notice that the people with the most insecurities are the loudest?
I'm also available in sober
She likes it when you call/text her, but, not too much and not too little. And, she won't tell you how much or little and it changes constantly. Good luck!!
Now that's news! That poor rat was yanked out of his mailbox this morning and predicted that all the people watching in the cold were idiots.
Another first half blowout? *waits for the lights to go out*
No matter where in the world your from....From Brisbane to London to Denver...It's official...Broncos SUCKS!!!
Women have no issue with their man having a female friend *as long as she's elderly, obese or severely disabled
All these folks (mainly women) wanting to see a 50 Shades of Gray movie or Magic Mike 2. Should we tell them they can watch MUCH better porn online for free?
I actually never like to touch baby carrots,,, because I'm afraid the mother will reject them.
Cute but Psycho: That is a funny way to spell "woman".
.... OK .... Ya .... I'm a dude .... But I swear I'm not gay .... However .... I can't believe my Valentine's date is going to consist of cuddling up with a guy named Johnnie Walker and watching porn!
Don't be a twatsicle.
Never fry bacon while naked. 