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I STILL remember grandpa's last words to me. Lighting a match next to the gas pump, he said, "What's this warning label say?" 
I don't want our enemies to know what I am thinking, so I will keep my thought s between me and my millions of followers on twitter.
Don't drink and wrap presents. Also, if anyone gets a remote control for Christmas, I'm going to need that back...
anybody else having trouble logging into my wife’s Facebook account?
It’s going to be a lot harder to overthrow the US Government on Pinterest.
So. . . Are they gonna use the NFL cardboard cutouts for an audience?
Just give the Hedge Funds a 600 dollars check. They will be fine.
I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I'm Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Fear of Corona is on the decline....... Release the Murder Hornets.
Got invited to 4 different Halloween parties how am I going to go to all of them you ask?? Easy.... I'm going as Hillary Clinton's emails...that way you won't find me
I miss Rodney Dangerfield.... now there a great comedian.
Have you ever been to Columbia ? 2 biggest exports are coffee and cocaine.. and the place still looks like crap. You're gonna be up all night anyways, pick up a broom once in a while.
Dick Clark is dead, secret service is out buying hookers, and Miley Cyrus is starring in a new movie called "LOL." The Mayans were right: 2012 is the end of the world.
I sometimes think of Siri as my wife on account of her voice & how she's always misinterpreting what I'm actually f'ing saying.
Life would be much easier if Christmas decorations grew on trees.
I went and saw beauty and the beast the other day, it wasn't as interesting as I thought it would be. He was pushing a cart and she was drinking a diet coke while sifting through the 5 dollar movies at Wal Mart........
oh no.....this woman in the Walmart express lane has Midol, Pamprin, and shotgun shells in her buggy.....Lord just get me out of her safelyt
I dieted for a month and all I lost was 30 days
It's called flirting when you're in a relationship, and being friendly when you're single.
I hope your affairs are in order. Harold Camping says today is rapture day. Again. 