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I'm trying to teach my youngest daughter how to share her toys by watching Sesame Street, Yo Gabba Gabba, and Tony Romo highlights on Sportscenter. 
I get ignored by women so much that they call me "Terms And Conditions".
Ever notice the bigger the girl, the more Looney Tunes characters she has on her shirt.
Dear Lord; On the road today. Please give me the strength not to run people over and make pancakes out of them. I have no syrup.
It appears I'm friends with at least 200 babies on Facebook.
You like Justin Bieber? Well good for you! I like the smell of my own fart, but you don't see me bragging about it.
Dear Derrick Rose: Can you come up with even more excuses why you aren't playing despite being 100% healthy??
I'm really a fat person trapped in a fatter person body.
I dance a little in my chair while I'm eating one of my fave meals..... Don't judge me -_-
Every branch is full of hard-working intelligent people that always has our best interest in mind...I love the way our government it run. Are you getting this NSA?
"We support gay marriages!!" Signed, wedding planners and divorce lawyers.
GIRLFRIEND: Have you ever been with a fat chick? ME: Nope, you're the first one. GIRLFRIEND: What?
If your ass had a twitter account I'd follow it.
If only these walls could talk -- then I wouldn't be drinking all by myself.
In real world, most of people on Facebook, Internet and twitter would be in prison.
Nothing wrong with shooting people as long as the right people get shot. -Harry Callahan
Which is creepier. Being in a bathroom stall and looking out through the crack in the door, you see someone looking back? Or looking into the stall and you see someone looking out?
Just visited Facebook backstage. Great atmosphere: everyone rehearsing jokes, cooking up a storm, editing cat videos, and training for next week's arguments.
When a skinny chic asks you if you think she’s gotten fat the best response is to lift her, put her on your shoulder and throw her off a cliff.
To me "just kidding" means I'm joking but I'm kinda serious. 