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Why do people say "no offense" when they're about to offend someone? 
My girlfriend told me I'm awful in bed. I don't know how she can tell in 30 seconds.
Women must love you because you are the biggest d!ck I have ever seen
Dear Mark Zuckerberg.: HA-HA!!! --MySpace Tom
I just ate at the Olive Garden for the first time. It felt just like being in Tuscany,, And by Tuscany,, I mean the break room of a Radio Shack
Whenever I see someone calling my phone, I wait and see if they will call 10 times, if they don't, it probably wasn't that important.
If you wear a "come at me bro" shirt, I'm coming at you. If you wear a "free hugs" shirt, I'm grabbing you and spinning you around. If you don't like a stranger doing this maybe you shouldn't falsely advertise.
If I ever end up missing, please put my picture on a bottle of vodka and not a milk carton, because then I know for sure that my friends will remember to look for me!
Never wave to a proctologist...You may get the finger in return!
Having trouble with your iPhone saying “No Service”? Just put your shirt and shoes back on.
If it wasn't for bad luck, I would have good luck.
Food for thought: The guy that wanted to destroy Western civilization, lived in a mansion, near a golf course, drank both Coke and Pepsi products while urging his followers to blow themselves up. No word yet on what was on his iPod.
I wonder if people with foot fetishes get off on watching the Flinstones?
Geez O pete's just legalize marijauna already...just for the simple fact that stoner's won't have anything else to talk about, ever!!
So I was looking at the Oregano at work and saw a cop come in and I don't know why but I hid it...
They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what! Who wants to be in a hurry?!?
Never take a boat ride in shark-infested waters with a stranger who calls you Chum.
Just when you think your the center of attetion...I show up
She: I spend hours in front of the mirror admiring my beauty. Do you think that's vanity? He: No. I think that's imagination.
I guarantee you that the iPhone 5 will be easier to break 