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How can everyone have the "best gf/bf in the world" on Facebook? I'm pretty sure someone is lieing 
Correcting typos matter. Its the different between addressing a letter to Santa or Satan. It could save a child's soul.
I shall open my own deli and my slogan will be: "No one beats my meat!"
Now that I'm older I'm starting realize when my mom made me let her check my candy...It wasn't her way of trying to save me from the bad candy...She just wanted too steal the good stuff for herself...Thanks Mom
Since when did remembering names become such a thing? I think I offended dog face girl, again.
Give a man a beer, drink for an hour. Teach a man to brew, drink for a lifetime. Give a man a wine cooler & you'll get knocked the f*ck out.
Want to surprise your girlfriend? Introduce her to your girlfriend
doesn't want a happy ending... that implies something has to end. I want a fantastic right now! :D
9 words to live by... IT WAS LIKE THAT WHEN I GOT HERE OFFICER ;)
"Iceland's Eyjafjallajokull Volcano" Earth's way of Celebrating 4/20
I just saw 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the most obvious one was "Shout For Help".
I will take "Reasons for not wanting to work today" for $200 Alex
My microwave has a button that says "STOP TIME", its probably to stop the timer but I don't touch it just in case
Random thought: Ed Hardy shirts are the new sweatpants; wearing them in public means you've given up on life.
On one issue, at least, men and women agree: They both distrust women.
I sleep like a baby every night. I wake up every three or four hours
just got the weather report, and yes, it is snowing in Hell right now, with patches of ice forming. Is that arrogant, entitled, snobby, noble, self-righteous, arrogant attitude back firing on you much, Coakley?
thinks that unless you people can come up with a better idea...she'll be giving up her vow of celibacy for Lent this year
thinks it's funny when the kids on the paternity episodes of Maury Povich look like my friends. It's okay guys, I ain't saying a damn thing.
does not think of himself as fat, he thinks of himself as being famine and drought resistant. 