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People that tell me they never use dirty words must be boring as hell in the bedroom. What do they scream? "Touch my no-no and make me squish-squish?" 
Sometimes I like to go to Applebee's,,, and give them money not to bring me any food.
Good afternoon fellow friends. Today we're going to talk about Creativity. You see, creativity is... umm hold on a sec. Google is still loading...
To avoid identity theft when I die, I want to be shredded.
Hey people that are jog, if you really wanna sell me on this jogging thing, you are gonna have to stop making those faces that make it look like it sucks.
My obsessive compulsive disorders bring boys to the yard. In alphabetical order
So Megan Fox Is single this is my chance
If money was grown on trees, women would be dating monkeys
why would anybody put 99 bottles of beer up on a wall in the 1st place?
"40 is the new 20!" - math teacher who's about to be fired
I'm available if you wanna dance with somebody or wanna feel the heat with somebody... just sayin.
I hate when i'm shopping at the grocery store and realize the shopping cart I've been pushing across the aisle isn't mine and I don't have a blonde haired blue-eyed baby....
I've got two chickens to paralyze!!! - Eddie Money
And you say the CIA should treat the terrorists with kid's gloves.
⚪️ single ⚪️ taken 🔘 stuck in 20 friend zones
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
Women think that if their man jacks off more, she won't have to have sex as often. Sorry ladies, that's not how it works.
"I'll see you in hell" should be followed with "and I won't even stop to say hi". Otherwise you're just making plans with someone you hate
"Reverse cowgirl"… So you don't have to experience morning breath
I'm going to as many Halloween parties as I can. I'll be in the invisible man. You'll just have to imagine I'm there. . . 