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Where do you go if you're addicted to rehab? 
When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them, 'I have it at home in my spare wallet
I miss the simplicity of 90s.. I also miss the fact that artists in the 90s actually got "talent".
How is it C-3PO is fluent in 6 million languages, yet in none of them can manage to say, "I'm gay?"
my daughter is 6 years old and she thinks she needs thinks a training bra...if you still draw outside the lines with your crayons I think you should wait baby...
..Liverpool f.c. built by Shanks, played by planks, watched by cranks, and ruined by Yanks....... thanks..
thinks the armed forces needs to enlist ninjas..who's ever looking for a ninja?
If the batteries in our T.V remote are dead … Why do we keep pushing the button until our fingers hurt ?
Gun control is using both hands & hitting your target!
Figured I'm pretty smart--it took me all summer, but.. I found all the paw-prints, put them in my notebook, sat down in my thinking chair...& ... I just figured out Blue's Clues & what it's all about!
It was so cold this morning she actually saw a solicitor with his hands in his own pockets!
my wife is so immature... I would be in the bath and she would come home and sink my boats
12/20/2012 Doomsday Party. mark your mayan calendar!
You guys, this is my first ever facebook status update sent from a toilet. Did I do good?
I wish Brett Favre would stop texting me photos of himself. The guy is getting out of control.
Lawrence Taylor quote: "I'm not a rapist but I did stay at a holiday inn express last night"
Q: How do you make four old ladies say ‘FUCK!'? A: Get a fifth one to yell ‘BINGO!'
I use my cellphone as a flashlight, and hit random buttons to keep it lit.
You guys mind if I get this out of the way a little early? Thanks. Dear Monday, I hate you.
Next time some one does something REALLY stupid, just smack them and say, “Man, did you see the size of that bug?” 