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My wife's like a Magic 8-ball. If you keep shaking her, She will eventually give you the answer you want. 
If Anne hath a will, Anne Hathaway.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Do you like Dragons? Cause in a minute I'll be dragon my balls across your face.
Hey Ashton, when Demi is too old to kick it, I'm available!
has the 3 best friends that anyone can have. ♫♪ ♫♪ ♫♪ (from the movie "Hangover")
I hate those ambulances that drive really slow with with their sirens on. There's one behind me now. So annoying.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
s it possible to set the Gulf of Mexico on fire and turn it into a giant fish fry?
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.
I must have ordered the "Johnny Cash" at Taco Bell cuz now I'm experiencing a "Ring of Fire" in the bathroom!
God, give back Bob Marley and take Justin Bieber instead
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
You know what's funny? Paintings of Adam & Eve where they both have belly buttons. Think about it, take all the time you need.
That "Ah dammit!" moment when you wake up and use the bathroom and your urine goes in 5 different directions soaking everything but the toilet itself.
I hate when fat people say, “You couldn't walk a mile in my shoes”, I am like, “Look here Fatty, you couldn't walk a mile in your own shoes either.”
P.E.T.A. says that turkeys are now so fat, they can't stand up. They're prone to heart attacks, and they have trouble mating.Oh wait, I'm sorry. That's what the turkeys say about Americans.
Kourtney Kardashian's pregnant. Which is awesome, because I was just starting to think that there aren't NEARLY enough Kardashians
I disagree with all the bad language in p0rnography nowadays, shouting all that rude stuff. Come on now, there are children watching!
Found some chips in the bag of air I just bought! 