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A woman who smokes automatically becomes 75% less attractive to most guys. 
My Love Life is currently like NCAA mens Basketball, Its down to the FINAL FOUR! But My Wife has the homecourt Advantage!
stopped to think and forgot to start again
I was sitting at the dinner table last night and I meant to say pass the mashed potatoes but I let it slip you stupid B@#ch you've ruined my life
"I created the entire universe for the sake of one group of one species on one planet in one solar system in one galaxy." - GOD
90% of the refugees are young men, not women and kids.
Colonized means "Inhabited by a foreign race or power." Inhabited means, "Lived in." Foreign means, "Not from your country." Just in case you're struggling with that one, Yank. You're welcome.
No matter how bad your day seems, just remember someone has to clean the bathroom at TacoBell
If a woman eva pulls a knife on you during an argument,pull out some bread,cheese &mayo.Her instincts will kick in &she'll make you a sandwich.
Nobody can MAKE the Yuletide gay. It's not a choice. That's how it was born.
Nothing starts your day on the wrong foot like cutting your shower short to drop a duece...
"I'll take a Shirley Temple" - God
My roommate is 3 days younger than me so ive gotten in the habit of saying “when I was your age..” and then describing what I did 3 days ago
I'd like a boob job. Like, a job where I just look at boobs all day.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but,, I was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Love Coco Puffs. Hate Popo Cuffs.
Justin Bierber's album Believe (Acoustic) is the number one album in America. And we wonder why the rest of the world hate us.
NEWS FLASH....CORDUROY PILLOW MAKES HEADLINES!!!!
If the U.S. were worried about Assad killing people it would've intervened along time ago. The chemical weapons put Israel under a threat.
New drinking game: Watch the Republican debates. Every time someone says "Ronald Reagan", take a shot. You will get HAMMERED. 