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wants to join the "cereal box" dating service. I've dated enough flakes and nuts...all I want is the prize now ;) 
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"
New Years forecast: Partly drunk with scattered shots with 100 % chance of getting laid!
Waxing every inch of male body hair is still more masculine than saying the word 'Man-scaping.'
Can you smoke stem cells?
"Will, you, Mary, Me" -- invitation to an orgy.
Giving someone a trash bag full of yellow Starbursts is so much more fulfilling than saying "I hate you."
I just dropped my iPhone in liquor, and now Siri is slurring her words, won't stop talking, stumbling and trying to have sex with me.
what if all we had tommarow was what we gave thanks to god for today?
The English language is the easiest to learn because even if you get it wrong, so do most of the natives
Million Dollar Idea: Toilet paper with short stories on them.
I really miss my younger days because I was a lot less closer to death.
Evaluate the people in your life; Then promote, demote or terminate! You're the CEO of your life....
I just got bukkaked by a Krispy Kreme
Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from an ugly picture :)
Have sex with someone who loves your soul more than your body and you'll climax every time.
All I'm saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Millions of men have fought and died just so you have the right to go on a website and whine about your ever so slightly imperfect life
Of course I care about you, I put my d*ck in your mouth didn't I? - Men 