Joser Funny Status Messages

   I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women h

   Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.

   The cost of a stamp is going up 2 cents. I'll e-mail all my friends and let them know.

   I've lost most of my hearing, but it's okay because it turns out the only thing people say to me is "nothing, nevermind."

   A procrastinator's work is never done.

   a bartender is just an under-qualified pharmacist.

   there are more important things in life than money. The trouble is, they all cost money.

   it's impossible to fool-proof anything because fools are so ingenious.

   headed out for a quiet beer. Followed by ten noisy ones...

   "You look like you work out", said no one, to me.

   Lingerie is just expensive wrapping paper.

   I'm never getting married. After learning another Bachelorette couple has split, I simply don't know what love is anymore.

   I've missed you guys like a retard misses the point.

   It's never too late to start secretly playing air guitar.

   The 5-second rule is real! Earlier I ate a chip that was on the floor for 6.7 seconds, and here I am at the ER.

   Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, b*tches"

   Why do people reply to me in other languages? I don't know wtf you're saying. I only speak three languages: English, Parseltounge

   There's an update available for my Vuvuzela app on my phone. I bet now, rather than making a noise, it just says "You"re a douchebag!"

   My favorite meetings are the ones about the important deadline for work I could be done with if I wasn't in a meeting.

   BREAKING NEWS: LeBron James chooses DirecTV over Comcast and Dish Network.