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Ladies; Don't listen to a man who says he can tell your temperature with his pen*s. It's fun, but inaccurate. 
If you "like" a photo from 2013, you just announced you're a creepy mf'er.
My wife looks at me when I'm folding laundry the same way I look at her when she is eating a banana.
Look, nobody can tell the sex of your baby, so please either pierce it's ears or draw a mustache on that ambiguous little mother f*cker
Hey! Wanna make $$$$$$ fast? Just follow my simple instructions. 1:Hold down the Shift key 2:Press the number 4 four times. It’s that easy.
Terhuj bloody hassjth for gholpy draboplish wankers figli. Haha -Ozzy Osborne
You should always listen when a woman speaks - unless she's crazy, then pay close attention.
I just met a girl, she is very pretty, super nice and her bike seat smells like strawberries
It's cute how you all call them "weddings" instead of prison sentencings
ALEX TREBEK- This is the first man to climb Mount Everest... NORTH KOREAN GUY- Who is Kim Jong-il ... ALEX TREBEK- Stop saying that
Finally woke up before the birds, gonna go scream at them.
You ever felt like a fool, by waving your hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic. Other folks in the rest room think you are a ninja of something....
My daughter's school was closed for fog??... Hey,, Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & my principal would be like... "Ummm,, 2-hour delay"
I don't like Hot Pockets at all. But I imagine that people who like scalding the roof of their mouths while getting diarrhea all in the same day probably love them.
Say what you will about George Zimmerman. But the guy really sticks to his guns.
Eminem is 41 years old what the hell.
If one door closes & another door opens, you're probably in prison.
Quite a number of women put "Ugh" in their statuses to show the stress and pain of their "situation." To me it almost sounds like you're constipated. "Ugh!! I really don't wanna go to work today, ugh!"
When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, everyone remembers. Funny how that works.
Joe Dirt says 'Lifes a garden Dig It' I say 'life is NOT a garden so stop being a hoe!' 