Funny Status Messages

   If I were president the first thing I'd do is put Kansas City in Kansas.

   I would have to disagree... I don't believe a witches tit is this cold....

   Bad decisions always make for really good stories........and I always seem to have a LOT of really good stories....

   People who win the lottery always say something like, "I never imagined it would happen to me." Bullshi*t, everyone imagines winning the lottery!

   The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she's never around when I'm awake.

   When a woman says "fine" what she really means is "I'm going to say things are fine but they really aren't and I will later throw it back in your face."

   ‎90 people have swine flu(H1N1), and everyone wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom

   I like dressing in a red polo shirt then going to Target & being rude to costumers

   Cleavage is like the sun, you can look... But its dangerous to stare!

   Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I'm feeling great. So it's all good.

   What Would Dexter Do?

   I don't want to sound like I'm bragging or anything, but I've survived Y2k, 9/11, Bird Flu, H1N1, 6-6-2006 and now the rapture/apocalypse. Bring on 2012, I'm a survivor baby!

   My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I'm skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.

   Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that.

   Going through my friends list and deleting every 5th person because statistically speaking, they have an STD.

   Facebook should invent a relationship status that says "Only when i'm drunk."

   I'm pretty sure there's a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED.....

   If I were a bathroom tile salesmen,my pitch would be:"Think how great this will look in the background of your social network pics..."

   Dear guy that invented the metal wires, screws and clips that hold kids toys to the cardboard packaging with a death grip: I HOPE YOU DIE.

   Sorry, I can't hangout. My uncle's cousin's sister in law's best friend's insurance agent's roommate's pet goldfish died. Maybe next time..