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Dear Yahoo: I've never heard anyone say "I don't know. Let's Yahoo it." Just sayin'. Sincerely yours, Google 
I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.
"Here kitty, kitty, kitty" - Me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon.
The older I get the more I understand Squidward’s anger.
If I ever own a parrot I'm going to teach him to say, "Will someone please find the witch who cast this spell on me?"
"She must be shy" is probably what I say to myself the most when a woman abruptly moves across the country after talking to me.
Patiently waiting for the Pro zac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!!!
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood 40 years!
DunkinHackin (v):The act of choking on the powdery goodness of a powdered Dunkin Donut
Money is not everything. There's also MasterCard & Visa.
In another dimension, I'm happy and sane. Please don't tell my wife.
The problem is people are everywhere.
Hey look at me! Hey Stop staring at me weirdo! - women
You look crazy, here's my ex's number.
How to conquer a woman and lose her in 3 seconds...you look beautiful! You don´t look like you at all!
When I said "We have chemistry between us" I just meant I roofied your drink
An app that tracks a woman's PMS iMad, if you will.
4/26 Happy 48th birthday Melania
Those NK missles all have "Thanks Bill" stickers on the side.
Q: Why did the turtle cross the road? A: To get to the Shell station. 