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I'd save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising. 
Whole Foods sells $10 gift cards... The perfect gift for a loved one who wants two onions.
Our neighbor's dog shat in our garden, so my mom told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence. I don't see what that solved, now we've got dog sh*t in our garden and the neighbors have our shovel.
I'm not sick, I'm twisted. Sick makes it sound like there's a cure...
A couple who had been together for 25yrs and raised 10 children was asked what the secret to staying together was. The wife replied ''Many years ago we made an agreement that the first one to leave has to take all the children with them!!!''
How long after the first date should I wait before asking to get my bra & panties back?
Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn't made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.
I just got a new Epi-pen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it, for some reason.
Just found out I got another A in my daughter's science class.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
When a woman says "fine" what she really means is "I'm going to say things are fine but they really aren't and I will later throw it back in your face."
90 people have swine flu(H1N1), and everyone wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom
I like dressing in a red polo shirt then going to Target & being rude to costumers
Cleavage is like the sun, you can look... But its dangerous to stare!
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I'm feeling great. So it's all good.
What Would Dexter Do?
I don't want to sound like I'm bragging or anything, but I've survived Y2k, 9/11, Bird Flu, H1N1, 6-6-2006 and now the rapture/apocalypse. Bring on 2012, I'm a survivor baby!
My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I'm skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
ugh! I just found hundreds of worker ants in my porch and it looks like they are forming some sort of unemployment line.
It is not pre marital sex if you have no intention of getting married 