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Hates that scary moment when you stare at your 10 yr olds empty bed and think..."Maybe that "I'm running away" speech wasn't an April Fool's joke.... 
The FedEx lady would not take my package and told me to put my pants back on and quit calling her unless I need to ship an order.
You never heard or seen a pothead come home and beat his wife have you?
pulling up his pants..and saying no to crack
Good men of this country fought and died to defend my right not to care about British royalty
Every time this gets a like an NFL ref gets kicked in the sack
A bucket of ice water is no challenge. Now, a bucket of s#it from a portajohn is a challenge. . .
A gentleman will always hold open the door for a lady. Because, you know...Dat Ass.
I'm not saying I hate you but if I could go back in time I'd buy you a ticket on the missing Malaysian plane.
What's with all these Anti-Bullying campaigns? Do kids nowadays not know how to join gangs anymore?!!
I never finish anything.... I have a black belt in partial arts.
Most meteorologists are men. That's why when they say you're going to get 8-12 inches of snow, you really only end up getting 4-6 inches.
Sometimes it feels like the world is a giant bird and I'm just a freshly washed car.
When I become a billionaire I'll still do stuff here. I'll just say, "In your face, peasants!" as I hit submit
Yesterday I told my girlfriend to come over because no one is home. I don't know why she was so mad when she arrived to my empty house. I said "no one".
Dear Life, When I asked if things could get worse, it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
attn residents of Hawaii. Just a thought but if you were to drop the "Bounty Hunters" wife from a helicopter directly infront of the "sunami" it may soften the blow and even break up the wave pattern. (just trying to help)
Christmas shopping for dangerous toys. For kids I don't like.
you're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
According to a new poll, 26 percent of unemployed adults blame George W. Bush for the high unemployment rate. The other 74 percent blame the fact that they majored in English literature. 