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I wish Google could tell me where my T.V. remote is right now. 
If you must have religion in your life, choose the best religion: Kindness.
You had better look like your profile picture or your buying me drinks till you do!
Adele swept at the Grammys. Not to be confused with Vanilla Ice, who swept after the Grammys because that's his job at the Staples Center.
Marsha Brady is gonna freak when she finds out that Davy Jones died
VelVeeta....the expensive government cheese.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. But if you bring one to a tickle fight, you will TOTALLY win.
Skinny= Anorexic Thick= Obese. Virgin= Too good. Non-Virgin= Slut. Friendly= Fake. Quiet= Rude. It seems like you can never please society
I'm a superhero while I'm in my shower. I call myself Bathman.
Whoever decided to name this Halloween candy "fun" size is not someone I would care to party with. Just saying.......
I just had sex for the first time in long time. So long in fact, that I felt guilty for cheating on my sock.
Always smile and laugh in spite of your problems because this is the only life you will ever have and your problems won't matter anymore when you are dead.
joining the 'Occupy' movement tonight. My rear end is going to OCCUPY a bar stool to watch the Eagles vs. Cowboys and my stomach is going to be OCCUPIED by some beer!
Some people are just Facebook Retarded!
If I had chicken, carrots, and cabbage to add to my ramen noodles to make chicken noodle soup, I wouldn't be eating Ramen Noodles in the first place.
Don't talk that sh*t on the internet, then get as quiet as a library when you see me in person.
I don't think any woman could ever break my heart as much as the prequels to Star Wars did.
Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?
Always suspicious of a mitten wave....
Don't do anything you're going to regret in the morning. Or at least leave before regret wakes up! 