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You say toilet, I say Christmas beer vomit receptacle. 
New Year's Resolution #2: Switch my username to “password” and my password to “username” to make it harder for hackers to figure out
If one more person I see says "I'll see ya next year" chances are, they wont...
R.I.P to the virginitys about to be lost tonight.
Facebook would be a lot better if they had an “Ignore all engagement and wedding posts” option
Pushing the elevator button repeatedly doesn't make the elevator go faster.....you do realize that right.....?
Before you make up your mind, open it.
If you think paper beats rock, please hold this piece of paper in front of your face for a second…
it necessary for there to be a guy that looks like Stephen King at every highway rest stop?
Everything is within walking distance, as long as you've got the time.
I went shopping today for belts, and I used them right away on all the screaming kids at the store.
That guy who got busted for having sex on the subway did nothing wrong...He was just 'minding the gap'.
Tomorrow is National Facebook Poke day!! Spread the word...
Life is a comedy for those who think, a tragedy for those who feel, and a pie eating contest for me.
We don't have mistletoe at Christmas so we just kiss under the influence.
I'm not for everyone. That's okay. Everyone isn't for me either.
It's not true that women love big d!cks... I'm a big d!ck and women f@cking hate me
I haven't bought an iPhone with Siri yet because I have a fear of talking to women.
If David Hasselhoff doesn't describe his workouts as "sweating his asseloff," well then screw him!
As a father to 2 sons & a grandfather to 2 grandsons,, I often find myself torn between.. "Don't ever do that again" and " Ahh,Good one!" 