Joser Funny Status Messages

   The Revolutionary War went on for like 8 years, yet we settle for a 3 day weekend? The founders would be so disappointed.

   So what's the dating website for drunk, blonde, recent college graduates who do not want to find a job called?

   I am under: paid, pressure, followed, rated, the gun, the radar, the influence, the weather and the wrong impression. WTF

   You know it's a bad traffic jam when people start are sitting on top of their cars..

   I didn't call you crazy. All I said was, "you look like you might own 400 cats"

   Suffering from male pattern drunkenness.

   The squirrels are mocking me by doing that spiral-run-up-a-tree thing. They know I wish I could do that and how stupid I look when I try.

   "Grandpa's ghost hovers all around the house. It's scary!" "He's not dead! And that's his Hoveround power chair!" "Well, he smells dead."

   My front door mat actually says "Come back with a warrant."

   When your favorite song comes on and you excitedly say "Yo this is my jam!" You should know, I die a little bit inside for knowing you.

   I'm on the best diet ever. It's called the "I'm too hungover to eat" diet.

   I can buy my own sugar. What I need is an insurance mama...

   I suspect my Girl might be OCD because she performs a few bizarre rituals. For example, she just made our bed. Who does that?

   "Leprosy can't be all bad. It has "rosy" in its name!" -super positive counselor at a leper colony

   "Hangover" makes it sounds like it's all done now. I'd like to propose the term "hanghappening".

   So yeah I just went outside and I'm pretty sure I won't be doing that again until at least October.

   beer doesn't make me post better Facebook Status updates, it just makes me not care what you think of them.

   I honestly don't care if you think I'm crazy. You're just a figment of my imagination anyway. Coffee:

   for every action there will be someone to have a complete overreaction.

   You post one little joke saying you won the lottery and Facebook finds you 1,347 new possible relatives.