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After further review, Arron Hernadez's feet did not touch the ground. The ruling in the cell stands. 
Spicer reminds me of a toddler who got caught with his hands in the cookie jar, and crumbs on his face, trying to convince everyone that he wasn't the person who took the cookies.
I don’t get the phrase “cool as a cucumber” because I’ve never seen a cucumber with a tribal tattoo.
Growing a beard is the closest I've come to caring for an animal.
When women say "It's not what's on the outside, it's what's on the inside that counts", we all know what they are talking about Men's wallets.
Motivating my office co-workers is like hammering square pegs into unwilling sphincters
Women, when it comes to doggy style, men are behind you 100%
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.
Saying I am hard to shop for is admitting that you don't know where the liquor store is.
Facebook wants me to reconnect with a lot of girls who's boobies I touched when I was 16.
Im so lonely, I go to the airport just for the pat-downs.
When do we start referring to horribly failed relationships as being Taylor-made?
A headache is just a thought running around your brain wearing stilettos.
Sometimes if I'm alone at night I have this horrible fear that a murderous stranger will break in wearing like, the exact same outfit as me.
Unless your name is OXYGEN, I won't die if you ever leave me.
If you think my relationships are unhealthy.... You should see my diet.
Chad Johnson got 30 days in jail for slapping his lawyer's ass. Good thing he didn't bring a cooler of Gatorade.
Keep the planet clean. Its not Uranus
It's not the snooze that gets me up, it's the shame of the 5th time..
I just ran over a mime.,,, Well, now he’s a mime. 