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Not now life... come back when I'm drunk. 
I don't get drunk, I get able to tolerate other people.
5 inches = 12.7 cm American men, NOW do you want to switch to the metric system?
"Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby
The Jay-Z incident - That's why I strongly believe women deserve equal rights. And lefts.
Consensual sex sounds expensive.
Hakuna Ma'vodka -No memories
Every family has a relative that they would prefer to keep hidden during the Holidays. If you think your family doesn't have one...Trust me it is YOU!
When one door closes…you could just re-open it. Because that's how doors work, they open and close.
I wonder if Johnny Depp's bracelets ever get jealous now that Steven Tyler's scarves are dating Bruno Mars' hats.
This Polar Vortex sounds a lot like my ex-wife.
There are ancient caveman hieroglyphics on Joan Rivers' uterine walls.
bl0wjob one word or two? (I hate writing thank you cards.)
if you don't like to cry to your woes tomorrow, don't laugh at someone's misery today.
Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome
Dear Genitals, thanks for not bleeding every month. You're the best. Sincerely, a man.
Only in America, where the Feds can't find a missing girl or a missing plane but they can find a little sack of weed between a black person's a$$.
If y'all hate the Republican candidates so much ...... why don't you find some better candidates?
Ummm,, Can we just admit we may have taken this anybody can grow up to be President thing a bit too far.
I have to be careful with my kids when I talk about the death of their father. It's a sensitive subject and I don't want them warning him. 