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really need to stop phoning my mobile to find out where I've put it then thinking “Oooh, missed call!” when I find it. What a dumbass 
I saw a baby wearing a onesie that said..."I'm what happened in Vegas".
I feel like grabbing a random kid by the shoulders and screaming Hello "I'm you from the future!"
friends and condoms have something in common. . . they both protect you when things get hard.
I am a leader not a follower so therefore I don't twitter.
So, from the Terminator to the Governator to the Sperminator?!?
Taking your little Kids on a vacation with you to Vegas, is the same as taking a blind man to look at christman lights .. Just sayin!
wonders if I'm the only person that doesn't want to be on the Price is Right because I don't want to be seen running like a baboon down the aisles?
wonders who will be watching Kate Gosselin's litter of mutts while she's practicing for Dancing With The Stars.
My advice to strippers: Dont stop, get it, get it. Get that payment for your Civic.
What's the differece between a spit and a swallow? Cab fare and a ring!
wondering why Texas is flying it's flag all over the country of Chili?
In a perfect world.. Watching porn would actually update your computer.
"what happens in vegas, stays in vegas...except herpes, that sh*t will come back with you"
dear mosquitoes, ur not welcomed here just because the ligt's on...this isn't Motel 6
Snooki is going to give birth to a giant Nutter Butter.
I'm still waiting on the movie 'Twilight: Lights Out' starring Blade to come out.
A relationship should be between (^__^) & (^__^) NOT (^__^) & (^__^) + (-_(-_(-_-)_-)_-) + FACEBOOK
Katy Perry kissed a guy that looks like a girl and apparently didn't like it.
Harry Potter brand condoms: Protect your Slytherin from Hogwarts while you're in her chamber of secrets. 