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i finally saw a girl in person on facebook, so I immediately went home and took back my likes 
glory hole one word or two? I want this email to my new boss to be perfect.
I spilled ice out of my cup while I was outside and all of a sudden, my state has shutdown.
*Grabs intercom at Chuck E Cheese* SOME OF YOU SHOULD HAVE PULLED OUT!!!!
Love: When you still like someone after marriage.
If a shark attacks you,,, DO NOT punch him in the nose... Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Because only in America, people trample others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have
Did you know,, the 'ueue' in 'queue' is silent?
Will trade AR-15 for nice Corvette....
I have nothing against Texas. But if Houston doesn't clobber New England today, I'll burn all my ZZ Top albums, forget all about The Alamo, and never eat chili again! Kidding! (About the chili part.)
Those of you in the northeast whining about the blizzard. Newsflash...you live closer to the Arctic Circle than the rest of us, it's winter, and winds are directed your way. How about this idea...move.
Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Nothing screams 'America' like taking the elevator in a two-story building
My superpower is being able to remove a bra with one hand...in the dark...drunk.
I'm glad I don't work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches.
There's no recipe in this world that raisins can't ruin.
Dear automatic toilet,,,, I appeciate your enthusiasm,, but I wasn't done yet...
Girls put you in the friend zone but forget they need a ride to work. Nah ho
Sean Hannity: "Do you have any regrets of specific actions you did on that February night?" George Zimmerman: "No...I feel that it was all God's plan and for me to second guess or judge it...No sir" Me: (facepalm)
Today's fun: Knock on random doors and say, "Hi, my name is Current Resident, and I've been told you're the jerk who has been opening all my mail." 