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Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation. 
Politician: someone who only opens their mouth to change feet.
That one sounded like a dirt bike with a bad muffler.
Maybe they could add a little pop-up saying "Are you sure? This action cannot be undone" before sending an important message like NUCLEAR MISSILE ALERT YOU ARE ABOUT TO DIE
It's kinda awkward when you are wiping away a girl's tears and accidentally her eyebrows too
Can you put tequila in a humidifier? Just asking for a friend.
I'm having a terrible day. There's a suppository behind my ear and I can't find my pencil.
So how does this work? Do we send our dollar bills to the NFL or do we pay JLo directly?
Whoever this guy with TDS is, it's hysterical that he's perpetually beside himself with no one ever agreeing with him. I guess mommy and daddy let him have his way and he just can't deal with the rejection.
The Coronavirus is like pasta. The Chinese invented it, but the Italians are spreading it all over the world.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
tested positive for missing my homies
How long are we supposed to do this social distancing thing? My wife keeps trying to get back into the house.
For the first time since 1945, the Scripps National Spelling Bee has been cancul... cancill... cansi... called off.
Neighbor's python just swallowed my Paula Abdul CD. He's a cold hearted snake.
Dear YouTube: Please just assume that I'd like to "skip ad". You don't need to ask anymore.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be. I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Newt Gingrich is calling for a new House Committee on Un-American Activities. I thought that was just called Congress.
French toast is just toast that's surrendered.
Being clean and sober means i've showered and am heading to the liquor store. 