Funny Status Messages

   Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first. For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.

   I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

   How can you tell if someone plays the bagpipes well?

   I think the wife has started to show signs of Alzheimers. She said she can't remember what she ever saw in me !

   2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

   It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong.

   Instead of phasing out fossil fuels, let's phase out the fossils in Congress.

   Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats

   Can you put tequila in a humidifier? Just asking for a friend.

   I'm having a terrible day. There's a suppository behind my ear and I can't find my pencil.

   So how does this work? Do we send our dollar bills to the NFL or do we pay JLo directly?

   Whoever this guy with TDS is, it's hysterical that he's perpetually beside himself with no one ever agreeing with him. I guess mommy and daddy let him have his way and he just can't deal with the rejection.

   The Coronavirus is like pasta. The Chinese invented it, but the Italians are spreading it all over the world.

   My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.

   tested positive for missing my homies

   How long are we supposed to do this social distancing thing? My wife keeps trying to get back into the house.

   For the first time since 1945, the Scripps National Spelling Bee has been cancul... cancill... cansi... called off.

   Neighbor's python just swallowed my Paula Abdul CD. He's a cold hearted snake.

   Dear YouTube: Please just assume that I'd like to "skip ad". You don't need to ask anymore.

   If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be. I would have beaten a lot more of them up.