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Does this insecurity make me look fat? 
Complicated, for two please.
Just because I don't like you doesn't mean I don't want you to like me.
What doesn't die when you kill it? A relationship.
I put women and an abacus in the same category. I can't count on either.
Oh the irony of these ugly and fat mother’s insisting and demanding that their sons only marry a woman who is beautiful and slender.
When someone thanks I'm paying attention to what they're saying, but really I'm just thinking about tacos.
Valentines Day: You give me the kind of feeling people write sappy novels about.
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy you a penguin. Have you ever seen a sad person who owns a penguin?
A hangover is just your body reminding you that you're an idiot.
Definition of a Male Best Friend: A person who opens his mouth just to insult you.
Sorry kids, you're definitely not getting any inheritance. All that money went towards the booze I needed to put up with you.
What's my type? Someone who's supportive. Someone who comforts me when I need them. Someone I can curl up and relax with. Oh great, I'm describing my bed again.
She wants to go steady she says, it will be great she said. Until she said, tell me your pass words. Over my dead body I said. . .
Adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane.
A big shout out to all those people who wrote the answers in our textbooks, when we were in school.
I couldn’t be on “Deadliest Catch,” because I get seasick in my hot tub.
Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.
I went on a diet, stopped smoking dope, cut out the drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.
..... In celebration of Earth Day, I took my dog outside and let her fertilize the ground ... 