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Med commercials, stop with the side effects crap. I like to be surprised. 
So, how is everybody enjoying the air guitars I sent them for Christmas?
I too will be boycotting the Oscars. .. Oh, also I wasn't invited
In a decade the economy will be like 23 trillionaires and everyone else will be taking turns giving Uber rides.
I don't mind when people exercise their right to free speech, but I'd prefer they'd exercise their right to remain silent.
My super power is making conversations awkward by constantly adjusting my nuts while you talk.
Madonna is 57, her boyfriend is 24. Tina Turner is 77, her boyfriend is 42. J Lo is 46, her boyfriend is 28. Still single? Relax, your boyfriend isn't even born yet.
Each month has an average of 30-31 days....except the last month of pregnancy, which has 1453 days.
My exercise regimen is basically just my heart rate elevating at an alarming level when I realize I'm out of beer.
Personally, I don't believe in Bros Before Hoes or Hoes Before Bros. There needs to be a balance. A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
Not too impressed with this years selection of Presidential nominees so I've decided to vote for one of the Mario Brothers, haven't decided which one, .... But I figure either of them are just as qualified, if not more, to fix things as the nominees.
I used my removable shower head to wash under my beard, so I get it girls. I get it.
Evel Kneivel: Jumps over 45 old school busses... Good Kneivel: Fixes the busses and makes sure every kid gets a good education
I don't hate anybody. I'm just not neccesarily excited by their existance....
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are....you have small boobs.
When you find your kid grooving to Nickelback....it's time to have that talk.
Every night we go to Bed,without any assurance of being alive the next morning but still we set the Alarm to wake up..That's called HOPE.
Has anyone seen where I put my organizational skills?
Just broke up a fight between my wife and a car seat.
'tipsy' is not in my vocabulary... It's 'drunk' or 'sober'. 