Funny Status Messages

   I have a coffee table in my house. It's decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.

   I try to take one day at a time but sometimes several days gang up on me all at once.

   If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they'll fill your antidepressants faster.

   Hey ... If you want to stop all of these Protests and Riots .... Just start playing the National Anthem .... They will all either sit down or take a knee.

   It is just me or when you turn off the computer by holding down the power button, it feels like I’m choking it to death.

   I'll see your passive aggressive status and I'll raise you...one finger.

   Whoever determined that a 1 inch size candy bar should be called "fun sized" need to reevaluate their entertainment expectations

   Pay no attention to anything I say when I'm drunk..or sober..or any other time.

   It makes me sad that elderberries are always being replaced by younger, hotter berries.

   If anxiety was good for weight loss, I'd be back to my birth weight.

   The bright side of a zombie apocalypse is you no longer have to keep up with the Kardashians.

   I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that's a D you moron !

   Every time the doorbell rings my dog will go and sit in a corner........ He' a boxer.

   If you mean Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then yes, I do like opera.

   Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.

   The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

   Why isn't anyone at this beach lowering their sunglasses to check me out?

   If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?

   "Hi, I'm here to ruin your life" - Social media

   I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.