Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
I once dated a girl with a parot, the thing was crazy and never shut up, the parot was cool though.... 
I feel sorry for people who don't have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.
Don't judge a book by its cover. Unless its cover says "T!ts Party," because that's probably an awesome book.
You know who turned the lights out in the stadium? The same guy that drove the snow plow in the Dolphins-Patriots game back in '82.
There's a point in life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything, but it's not giving up, it's realizing that you don't need certain people and their crap.
If I do it doggy style I get to multiply every minute I last by ten, right guys?
bacon shortage?? Well played vegatarians, well played...
It makes me sad to think there are people in this world who have a Kardashian as their favorit celeb.
Dancing on my grave? Over my dead body!!!
Relax... You'll only be sore for a few days.
Ladies a real gentleman asks for your name not your number
Sometimes I confuse sex with bull riding because my goal for both is to stay on for 8 seconds.
Okay, so maybe practicing hypnotism in front of the mirror wasn't the smartest idea..
I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan. Somebody is about to be proven wrong.
You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. You can, however, make a pretty decent ham wallet.
I drop most of my money on wine, women and song. What's left gets spent foolishly.
Yo Zimmerman, I'm really happy for you and, I'ma let you finish, but OJ had one of the best racial trials of all time!
Everyone has someone they can trust with everything. Except their phone. No one trusts anyone with their phone.
Wait!! Its Tim Tebow's birthday today and Tom Brady got hurt..... Jesus take the wheel.
Pick up artists and garbage men should switch names. 