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Everyone has that one friend you just can't bring anywhere cause they always embarrass you. If you can't think of who that friend is, it's you. .. 
theres nothing quite as embarrasing as getting your hidden "baby oil" bottle for that special lonely moment, and seeing "LMFAO" in black marker written on it..
I thought about plugging my computer keyboard into my music system, but realized that would be stereotyping.
A fun thing to do at public restrooms is to wait until someone leaves, click a stopwatch and write something down in a notebook.
i would slap the pretty out of your face if you had any left
Imagine a guy trying to run upstairs while wearing roller blades. That's my life
I'm only on FB for fun. Please stop trying to manipulate me into reposting your sappy dumba$$ status update.
I'm not surprised when I see some poor coward insult me online anonomously. What's surprising is that he could pull himself away from his Post T Vac and his new episode of "Toddlers and Tiaras" long enough to type something intelligible.
Dear mom, You may have seen me naked when I was a baby, but that was 15 years ago. Sincerely, please learn to knock.
It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see.
I don't know if I'm a player. Ask one of my girlfriends.
Hot weather drinking tip: Consume a fist full of aspirin, down a bottle of vodka and go stand out in the sun for about seven hours. Its fun
Baseball World Records: Most Home Runs: Barry Bonds RBI's: Hank Aaron Career Batting Streak: Joe DiMaggio Most Innings Pitched: Cy Young Hit In The Face With The Most Balls: Justin Bieber
"Party at my crib @ 2am" -on a baby shirt
I think Martin Lawrence should just come out of the closet and admit he's a crossdresser already.
Shout out to everybody that had to work on President's Day bwahahaha
Ever want to click on someone’s Facebook status and fix all the spelling and grammatical errors for them?
I’ve been to hell and back so many times I bought some property while I was there.
Bourbon is the elixer of the gods. Therefore, I'm not an alcoholic - I'm divine.
My favorite vegetable is bacon... 