Funny Status Messages

   My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.

   Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people's funerals.

   9 out of 10 Status Updates sound more official if you simply add the phrase "9 out of 10".

   What about female suicide bombers? Do they also get virgins?

   Call me crazy, but I really prefer the term mentally ill

   Time to get out of bed and worry from another location.

   I'll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.

   In the wild of Alaska, large packs of Discovery Channel cameramen can be spotted drinking from the lakes that thaw out in the summer months.

   You're not truly a Canadian until you've used maple syrup as lube.

   With all the complaining on FB, I'm sure the world's social injustices will be righted in no time.

   Remember way back when the only thing that was annoying on your feed were game requests?

   Ariana Grande would be the first kid on the factory tour taken away by the Oompa Loompas.

   Kim and Kanye name their newborn son Saint West because it will take a miracle for him to turn out normal.

   There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

   its amusing listening to someone's lie when you already know the truth

   People don't change... They just learn to lie better!

   4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...

   I'm only as nice as people allow me to be, so don't push my jerk button and we'll be great

   Know what? If they had Neosporin back in 1931, that nasty scar on Frankenstein's forehead would have been far less noticeable.

   So, I've noticed that your superpower is the ability to create drama out of absolutely nothing.