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A colon can dramatically change the meaning of a sentence. Example: I ate Julie’s sandwich. I ate Julie’s colon. 
My wife agreed to roleplay as Catwoman but won’t let me say pow and bam with each thrust.
Being energy efficient. When I saw an advertisment for a solar power clothes dryer. I ordered one. What I receive was a 25 foot clothes-line and a pack of 50 clothes pins.
What's all this fuss about gay rights? I'm pretty sure there are a lot more gay lefts out there...
My dog brought me a stick he retrieved from over 150 yards away. That's pretty far fetched.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done Also I have no idea how tampons work
Yes Amazon, I'm still watching. Stop being so insecure.
The Cleveland Browns have more wins in 2016 than Ronda Rousey
I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn't reach very far.
Once Liverpool sell Fernando Torres they are going to put an offer in for Andy Murray - They've never seen someone hit the net so many times in 90 minutes.
Some days there just isn't enough give-a-damn.
Goat Cheese: "Hey you know that disgusting animal you'd never eat? Check out what we did with some of it's breast milk!"
Busted, Disgusted, and most of all, I can't be trusted.
I believe there's a direct correlation as to why women who have a mustache always wear a sarong over their swimwear.
Dear Yahoo, I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying.Sincerely, Google.
"SIT AND STUDY" - This stunt is performed by experts under controlled conditions. Don't try this at home or anywhere. :P
My mother taught me about RECEIVING. “You are going to get it when you get home!”
Dear Guys Named "Rhys" --Please tell us how it's pronounced already, or prepare to be known as "Buddy"
I just want ppl to be honest with me. I mean, the worst thing I could do is drop kick you in your face.
Never introduce her to your money before you introduce her to yourself. 