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9 out of 10 Status Updates sound more official if you simply add the phrase "9 out of 10". 
What about female suicide bombers? Do they also get virgins?
Call me crazy, but I really prefer the term mentally ill
Time to get out of bed and worry from another location.
I'll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.
In the wild of Alaska, large packs of Discovery Channel cameramen can be spotted drinking from the lakes that thaw out in the summer months.
You're not truly a Canadian until you've used maple syrup as lube.
With all the complaining on FB, I'm sure the world's social injustices will be righted in no time.
Remember way back when the only thing that was annoying on your feed were game requests?
Ariana Grande would be the first kid on the factory tour taken away by the Oompa Loompas.
Kim and Kanye name their newborn son Saint West because it will take a miracle for him to turn out normal.
People who say "No, and here's why..." need to realize that we stopped listening after the "no" part.
A successful relationship is one in which one person shuts up when the other is right.
I wish this conversation had GPS because you lost me about 20 words ago.
Gonna hit the showers. You can do whatever you want with that information.
Oh, the good old days before Facebook, when you didn't care whether anyone "liked" you or not.
Okay future girlfriend, you can stop playing hide and seek now.
Every time I use a public bathroom, one thought occurs..."Seriously? This many people have Sharpies on them at all times?"
A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it. A stupid person makes it.
My uncle came out of the closet yesterday. He's not gay. He has Alzheimer's and thought it was the car. 