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Could you imagine knowing someone interesting enough to actually want to talk on the phone? Me neither. 
Clapping is just high-fiving yourself for someone else's accomplishments.
has been told by many I need to watch my language on Facebook. So for everyone that doesn't like my language, "coitus you."
Never get directions from the illiterate. "Turn left on Cave" is actually, "turn left on C Ave."
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
..if people say they're "as honest as the day is long" does that mean they become less truthful in the winter?
There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress.
Naomi Campbell should take up golf because she's really good at hitting the driver.
I don't want to move in for a month, I just wanna buy you a beer.
Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
it's been a great summer and would like to thank the ladies for the great mammaries
Fools rush in... and get the best seats in the house.
You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them until they become afraid and give in.
Do you want to make a difference? Be different.
When your dreaming with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part.
Officer I know I ran that red light but it's okay, I'll just stop twice at the next one. Are we cool?
Romeo and Juliet are morons for listening to thier hormones. and the fact the world romantizes this story is beyoned comprehension then again, Twilight proves that the romanticization of stupid teenage obsession is still alive and well
The sign says "Smoke Free" That's Good.. I hate the places that charge you to smoke!!!
theres no time for pants!
Nothing makes crazy people happier than having a microphone. 