Funny Status Messages

   I hate it when I'm trying to kill a spider but then I lose track of it and I become a victim in my own home

   I'll act my age when I'm 69.

   If you ask me, NASCAR would be much more entertaining if the drivers had had as much to drink as the fans.

   I'm coming out of the closet. Not that! I mean her husband finally left for work.

   RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.

   Heading to the pawn shop. We have an extra 5 gallons of gas and gonna make some money!

   You look cute...in a National Geographic way.

   People who say "No, and here's why..." need to realize that we stopped listening after the "no" part.

   A successful relationship is one in which one person shuts up when the other is right.

   I wish this conversation had GPS because you lost me about 20 words ago.

   Gonna hit the showers. You can do whatever you want with that information.

   Oh, the good old days before Facebook, when you didn't care whether anyone "liked" you or not.

   Okay future girlfriend, you can stop playing hide and seek now.

   Every time I use a public bathroom, one thought occurs..."Seriously? This many people have Sharpies on them at all times?"

   A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it. A stupid person makes it.

   My uncle came out of the closet yesterday. He's not gay. He has Alzheimer's and thought it was the car.

   if a guys internet history is cleared, please dont shake his hands...

   I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn't home when you called."

   Just got "The Look" from my dog. You know, the "What the hell you doing??? I drink out of there" look...

   I belong to a gym...let me rephrase that, I don't belong there. but I go anyway....