Funny Status Messages

   if a guys internet history is cleared, please dont shake his hands...

   I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn't home when you called."

   A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it. A stupid person makes it.

   My uncle came out of the closet yesterday. He's not gay. He has Alzheimer's and thought it was the car.

   People who say "No, and here's why..." need to realize that we stopped listening after the "no" part.

   A successful relationship is one in which one person shuts up when the other is right.

   Just got "The Look" from my dog. You know, the "What the hell you doing??? I drink out of there" look...

   Every time I use a public bathroom, one thought occurs..."Seriously? This many people have Sharpies on them at all times?"

   Okay future girlfriend, you can stop playing hide and seek now.

   I wish this conversation had GPS because you lost me about 20 words ago.

   Gonna hit the showers. You can do whatever you want with that information.

   Oh, the good old days before Facebook, when you didn't care whether anyone "liked" you or not.

   I belong to a gym...let me rephrase that, I don't belong there. but I go anyway....

   When you stop chasing the wrong things, you give the right things a chance to catch you.

   .569 seconds...the amount of time it takes me to get away from a spider.

   Rock bottom is good solid ground, and a dead end street is just a place to turn around.

   All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy!"

   just ripped a hole in my American Eagle jeans. I'd be mad but I think they just went up in value..

   Nothing screams "I don't care about being on time for work" like hopping on Facebook first thing in the morning.

   Sometimes I think that life is one big test...and I'm in the wrong classroom.