Funny Status Messages

   Don't let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you're an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.

   If you’re going to hire a moving company, make them all play Tetris first and choose the one who gets the highest score.

   12 years of school and I'm still not sure if it's “grey” or “gray”

   If I ever get mugged, I hope the thief is kind enough to let me Instagram how scared I look.

   After visiting a nursing home I always come home and pray I'm eaten by bears...

   I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.

   If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.

   The best part about working directly with the public is that you become fluent in moron.

   Heading to the pawn shop. We have an extra 5 gallons of gas and gonna make some money!

   You look cute...in a National Geographic way.

   I hate it when I'm trying to kill a spider but then I lose track of it and I become a victim in my own home

   I'll act my age when I'm 69.

   If you ask me, NASCAR would be much more entertaining if the drivers had had as much to drink as the fans.

   I'm coming out of the closet. Not that! I mean her husband finally left for work.

   RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.

   The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.

   My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex. So I dumped her.

   if 10% is good enough for God is should definitely be good enough for the IRS!

   If girlfriend has no texts in their phone history, you are totally being cheated on.

   My level of maturity changes depending on who I'm hanging out with.