Funny Status Messages

   The hardest part of gift buying is convincing yourself you don't deserve the gift more than the person you're buying it for.

   Irony: Putting Jodi Arias on suicide watch while she's facing the death penalty?

   After visiting a nursing home I always come home and pray I'm eaten by bears...

   I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.

   If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.

   The best part about working directly with the public is that you become fluent in moron.

   A giant spider just attacked the back of my neck and then quickly morphed back into my t-shirt tag!

   If you think your child is annoying, imagine what I think.

   Don't let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you're an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.

   If you’re going to hire a moving company, make them all play Tetris first and choose the one who gets the highest score.

   12 years of school and I'm still not sure if it's “grey” or “gray”

   If I ever get mugged, I hope the thief is kind enough to let me Instagram how scared I look.

   The final Twilight movie and Lincoln both opened the same weekend. One is about a shameful, dark chapter in our history we hope never will be repeated. The other is about a president.

   If I can punch you without moving my feet, you're in my personal space.

   My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex. So I dumped her.

   if 10% is good enough for God is should definitely be good enough for the IRS!

   If girlfriend has no texts in their phone history, you are totally being cheated on.

   Before Twitter Americans had no way of knowing the illiteracy rates of their favorite celebrities.

   The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.

   My level of maturity changes depending on who I'm hanging out with.