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I'm so excited to watch the season finale of America tonight. 
Pick-of-the-Day Special. An egotistical idiot OR WWIII. Choose wisely.
The polls show Hillary has an 87% chance of going to prison after tonight.
DO YOU THINK BILL CLINTON HAS BEEN HIDING FROM HIS WIFE ALL DAY!
Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn't even have a cape.
Kanye West rushed to hospital with suspected ‘dislocated ego’
Joker: I'm calling DHS, You're endangering a minor... Batman: He's my partner... Joker: Why's he in his underwear?.. Batman: So we match. Look, this isn't about me.
I'd like to go to Holland someday wooden shoe?
The ox and lamb kept time?? I'm calling BS on that one...
Fun Christmas prank: give your mom a new iPhone then refuse to help her set it up
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused food, drinks. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him and started throwing things everywhere. After that we NEVER played monopoly again.
Sheldon Cooper has scored more than Ohio State did last night
Give people who call with a private number a dose of their own medicine by knocking on their doors while wearing a mask.
You made a video of me and my friends? Well Facebook, who told you they are my friends?
I'm telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can't walk for a month.
A woman with her tongue pierced reminds me of Microsoft. When you can’t do it right, throw more hardware at it.
It's International Women's Day. That means only the women with sexy accents right?
I switch my phone to united airplane mode and now I woke up in a hospital with a headache!
My favorite part of the day is the sitting down and getting drunk part. Definitely not the crying bit.
Auto correct is simultaneously my best friend and my worst enema 