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Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall... 
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!? Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
I pretty much have this social distancing thing down to a science. I go out with no pants on. No one comes within 50 feet of me, let alone 6.
If your blow up dolls nose starts running, she’s not sick she’s full.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL! – My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
It's raining it's pouring and this quarantine is boring.
Hey, you married people doing okay? I haven't heard "I'm so blessed" or He's my everything" for a few weeks now...
You can't say $1200 ain't sh*t if you qualify for the $1200...
OK, I can understand why you're mad at me, but the horse I rode in on had nothing to do with it.
Ah memory impairment...the free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
I wash my hands at least 5 times a day. But not because of the Coronavirus. I own a Volkswagen.
Would taping or gluing my mustache and beard together meet mask requirements?
Hear me out: Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper. This is where we’re at, people.
If I die at the begining of the month after paying my rent, they better sit me on the couch till the 30th!!
Blessed are the agoraphobic, for they shall inherit the earth
By unsubscribe, you are implying that I subscribed in the first place. You subscribed me, now you unsubscribe me.
Just in. Anthony Weiner sends apology sext to entire Clinton campaign.
If you hear a loud, frustrated sigh carried by the wind tonight, it's me casting my early vote.
Question: "How many clowns does it take to elect a crappy President?" Answer: "We'll Find out on Tuesday!!!!" 