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Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter. I don't even know who's party it was! 
Kanye West is busy editing Nelson Mandela's Wikipedia page so it features his picture.
Merry Chrithmith!!!- Mike Tyson
Ladies, instead of asking, “Do these jeans make my ass look big?” you should ask, “Does this fat make my jeans look big?”
Between Auburn and the Denver Broncos, Africa is buried in Orange clothing.
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
This is 2016. How come I can't email someone a fart when I feel like it?
Some humans believe that escalators have special powers that suck all moving abilities from their legs as soon as their feet touch one.
The FBI was able to unlock the San Bernardino shooter's iPhone, and have discovered his Candy Crush scores.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken... ME: So what happens now?.. Doc: We put in a cast & it'll recover naturally... HORSE: [sticks head round curtain]... WHAT?!!
I had Foo Fighters as Time Magazine's Person of the Year. So close...
Lesson learned.... Don't walk into a car dealership's service department and say 'I was told I need two shots of lube in my rear end'.... Awkward!!!
This whole Brian Williams things is a great reminder that it never pays to lie. Sent from my Galaxy S7
I'm constantly thankful for all of some of the people that aren't in my life anymore.
Surly not EVERYBODY was Kung-Foo fighting?
Someone put a Taylor Swift tape in my Teddy Ruxpin and now he's writing a song about Fozzie
It doesn't matter how hard you thought out those vanity plates, bro. All any of us read is 'imma douche'
Happy hangover day to all the deadbeat moms out there. You've earned it!
Some of my best wishes have come true by throwing people down a well.
Just wrapped up a great Father's Day with a phone call with my Dad. He taught me everything I know about fishing, grilling,and fixing things. He also taught me what to say and how to say it if I stub my toe or hit my thumb with a hammer. Thanks Dad! 