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Shut up, you'll never be the man your mother is 
Friends are like television~ Some are like PBS and always asking for money. Others are like the news, with sad tales to tell everyday, some are like that one station with the foreign language; you don't understand a word of it but you listen and watch
Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you can fall apart no matter how strong you are.
likes it when my computer says "Are you sure you wanna continue unprotected?"
Actual Sign in a bar: "Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."
when the Neilson Ratings called me to survey what I watch on TV... I let them know what shows are stupid and pointless....Unfortunately, they are still airing JERSEY SHORE!
According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there!
If your day ends in pizza, you have nothing to complain about :D
Today I connected all the freckles on my arm with a Sharpie. It spells out RIKSHAZ9LIRK. Clearly I am The Chosen One.
If a girl gets a free drink, it doesn't mean she'll be interested, it'll only mean "YAAY FREE DRINK!!"
Be careful when it comes to reincarnation…. one time I asked to be a singer and I spent 30 years as a sewing machine.
For Sale: New Nunchucks. Will consider trading for a bag of ice and a new set of marbles.
How come the week always lasts longer than the money you have?
I am not defined by my past. I am prepared by it.
does this "no fly zone" mean I can't use the trip to Libya I purchased from my Nigerian lottery winnings?
pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking...And I plan on finding out what that is.
i love it when I get tailgated on a bumpy road and the driver behind me has no time to avoid the really big pothole that takes away his body kit.
I think I'd probably just pay for a Klondike bar.
People who don't know what they want should not use the drive thru!
There are two types of people in the world: those who know how to handle stress and those who need bail money. 