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I like to switch it up between gangsta rap and Sarah McLachlan. Will I murder you? WIll I adopt you a puppy? You dont' know. 
Fall in love? Is that when you like the same pizza toppings as someone else?
I bet if cats could talk, they wouldn't.
Even my dinner tasted like Monday
I thought I had great balance...until vodka proved me wrong.
A chatterbox is just a regular box that won't shut the fcuk up.
Step ladders are just like regular ladders except they don't love you as much.
[Spock]: “On my planet, “to rest” is to rest, to cease using energy. To me it is quite illogical to run up and down on green grass using energy instead of saving it.” - Rest now Spock
"Mr Potter, you are now qualified to be a magical janitor" *Harry Potter And The Order of The University of Phoenix*
Anyone know why my shampoo, conditioner, and body wash all fit in the same bottle, but to acheive the same thing, my wife needs 34 bottles? Anyone?
Your profile says "DJ/Promoter-producer", so do you keep your full time job at the call center just to keep grounded?
I think I skipped the part of life where I was supposed to learn how to get rich.
PRO TIP: Add 2 drops of lemon juice to your goldfish's water every time you change it, and you won't even have to season them before cooking.
Hey girls at the gym, no need for the makeup and hair do's. He's not looking at your face.
The pottery scene from Ghost, but with a gyro meat spit.
Where I come from, Decaffeinated means a cow who just had a calf.
I walked a mile in my own shoes today..... Wouldn't recommend it..... Cuz I'm WAY out of shape
This Valentines Day I want a girl who cares about her health, but not her sobriety. Like, she does yoga, but her water bottle is usually full of vodka.
If someone is bothering you with unnecessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 7 for $1 only
Why do people wear pink camo? Perhaps they are hunting for flamingos. 