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No Offence but I find it funny when deaf people get scared when i'm yawning infront of them 
The government reopened everyone hide your drugs
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like....... "well i'm bored, lets go brush our teeth!"
I never knew my mechanic was a psychic until he loudly announced that I had blown a tranny in my car
Apparently during one of the celebrations/riots in Philadelphia someone was arrested for punching a police horse. The man spent the night in jail while the horse was listed a being in “stable “ condition.
Sour grapes make the very worst whine...get over it, she lost.
Yes I'm a people person. Or as the authorities like to call me, human trafficker.
If it wasn't for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
$100 for a dozen red what?! That's a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
Someone tripped and fell right in front of me , and I didn't point at them and laugh hysterically . Damn I'm getting old.
had this one night stand, and the next morning I felt so guilty I bought another one for the other side of the bed.
I walked into a florist today and said “I want a bunch of flowers for my wife.” The cashier looked at me and said, “What are you after?” I said, “Some sex.”
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
it still called a gas pedal on an electric car?
I think I turned back my clock way too far, I just saw a guy with a mullet at Kmart .
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
2020 is what happens when you mix tarot cards with cards against humanity.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired. My brain at 9am: I’m tired. My brain at 1pm: I’m tired. My brain at 5pm: I’m tired. My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
I’ve been trying to start my truck with my house key since 7am this morning, there’s no way I’m gonna stop now. 