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If I hear that Happy song one more time I think I'm going to cry. 
Yeah, that's right! I learned all my dance moves from the paternity tests on Maury!!
In hell, you have to pick just one person to have sex with for the rest of your life. Wait...
What doesn't kill you, adapts to make sure it kills you the next time.
Proud to say I weigh the same today as I did in high school. I was a fat ass then, too.
No one likes the person you become when the meds wear off.
I don't know about you but this girl from Liberty Mutual Insurance talking about her car "Brad" she had for four years and how it outlasted three jobs and two boyfriends really sounds like a winner!
I'm looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...
This girl tweeted at me to DM her. What a weirdo, how am I supposed to Dungeon Master her?
The Farmer's Almanac predicts a mild winter, a dry summer, and no sex for me until at least 2026.
I hate band names that are commands: Foster The People, Panic At The Disco, Imagine Dragons, and Walk The Moon. Don't f*ckin tell me what to do!!!
If your refund is more than you paid in taxes. You aren't getting YOUR TAXES back. You're getting MY TAXES back.
Do you think Chewbacca has human genitals or one of those red rocket things that dogs get? George Lucas won't respond to my email.
....The U.S. Defense Dept. has been making plans in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse ... Since Zombies eat brains ... It was determined that the US Congress would be safe.
Pro Tip: You're not truly a parent until you've given your child the middle finger behind their back while mouthing, "F*ck you!"
If you apply yourself it's entirely possible to keep your opinion to yourself and just shut up and vote............
I guess one of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?"
Daughter: "Mom, you are in my personal space." Mom: "You came out of my personal space."
If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake.
Marijuana is the gateway drug for you taking 45 minutes to pick out which color Gatorade you want to buy. 