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I'm at my worst and most vulnerable when someone else is holding my phone. 
Breaking News: 36% of Witches are indicating it is cold out.....
The cat puking in the middle of my bed was NOT the type of wet spot I was hoping for.
Looks like the Pope is headed for the old popes home..
I used to get scared when I worked nights as a security guard so I carried a security blanket.
@ Nobody ... the bottle said 1 pill every 12 hours, not 12 pills every 1 hour.
Forget the Mars rover, science's greatest accomplishment has to be keeping that baby from falling out of Snooki.
My sixth sense is upon entering someone's home for the first time, I immediately know where the pillow forts should be built.
did anyone wake up manny paquiao I know he got stuff to do today
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
hey we're back to funny quotes... Dummy-Crats must be reading Killary's book.
Hillary whinning that Russian hackers are leaking the truth about her rigging the election................
after 16 years of leaving the Patriots, Pete Carroll finally won a superbowl for them
“Nothing is impossible.” I disagree. I’m doing nothing right now… it’s totally possible.
Everytime you tweet something with a typo in it, someone gots a degree from the University of Phoenix
“I followed Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”................ First hipster
wake up in the morning.... my mind: nope. my body: nope. my d!<K: let's rock!
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of lego pieces. I'm just wondering if I'm gonna sh*t a brick tomorrow..
Drinking beer doesn't make you fat, It makes you lean .... against bars, tables, chairs, and poles.
Where did Justin Timberlake go? He promised to bring sexy back 