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Kiss me I'm Irish, put a little tongue in it, I'm French too 
Fuel savings tip: Drive downhill as much as possible. If you must drive uphill, take a different route that goes downhill instead.
Splenda Daddy: A man who strives to be a Sugar Daddy but just doesn't have the funds to pull it off.
How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Ted Cruz kept saying God wanted him to be President, and this is what happened. So either there is no God, or he reeeally doesn't like Ted.
FACT; Religion has caused more misery to all of mankind in every stage of human history than any other single idea.
If evolution is so real... why are the Kardashians still mating with monkeys?
Michelle Obama has been picked as the world's most powerful woman by Forbes. Coming in a close second place:............. Justin Bieber.
just wanted to let everybody know that she is Okay! I know it scared me on the radio when I first heard the rumors, But I Called her and she is fine.. My Grandma did not get run over by a Reindeer!"
Cats will be the hardest zombies to kill, with their -9 lives and all.
has a request…if something should happen to me would someone change my status and harvest my farm town crops?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
I put a trojan magnum on once.....felt like a 6 year old in an adult sleeping bag!
If men really wrote answered facebook question ; What's on your mind? Facebook would be like a pornsite
Today I heard a guy on the street say, "It's chowder season, baby!" so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
*Puts condoms on store counter... Clerk: Do you want a bag?... No need, she's not that ugly.
NFL replacement refs...Wonder if they think airplane windows roll down too...
If I were Superman, I'd forget about Lex Luthor, and instead, beat the living $hit out of every a$$hole who's ever abused a child.
Turns out, I have a 4.6 billion year old sun... I am gonna see him tomorrow morning.. wow amazing
Obviously this cat thinks I won't punch a cat 