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I wonder if Cher is going to get lonely once the rest of us have died. 
I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'
Why do you keep liking your own status? Of course you would like it, you f**king posted it!
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am, and my attitude depends on who you are.
I ain't talking about Floyd when I say I love May weather.
President and Michelle Obama had a great interview in this months Vogue Magazine about fashion. All of America's problems are now solved.
I've got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let's do this!
Tell her she's beautiful instead of hot. She's a woman, not a temperature
The president of Pepsi announced that he is leaving the company after less than a year on the job. The company isn't sure but they think he might have a Coke problem.
I believe every single word you say. It's when you put them together to form a sentence that I think it's bullshit.
If you say "Gullible" slowly, it sounds like "Oranges"..
You know its going to be a bad week when skinny dipping while drunk at a holy site isn't your party's biggest scandal.
Some people should use a glue stick instead of a chap stick
People should be loved. Things should be used. Unfortunately, we have it backwards.
Most atheists aren't angry about the various religions. They're angry about the dangerous people who misinterpret these religions.
Double dates are fun and games til you're too drunk to remember which girl is yours.
I'll start to believe video games cause people to be violent when I see someone get arrested for killing a pig by slingshotting a bird at it.
Amputees may take risks, but they never go out on a limb.
Coors Light Iced Tea? Really??? C.L.I.T.?
For my constipated, politically-correct readers: Happy African American Friday! 